I think there is such a thing as "the grand scheme" of things but it obviously does not pertain to love.

Do you know why I have an A average after 5yrs of school? I like school. Do you know why?.... Take writting a research paper for example, I bust my ass doing a ton of research, organizing a strategy to present the information, writing it up, proof reading it and I get an A for all of my hard work. Unlike in a relationship, where you have a crush, get to know the person, get the balls to ask them out, be their girl/boyfriend and then inevatibly get dumped for the next best thing. Therefore, by my calculations, school is much better than relationships.

The only things you can truly rely on are yourself and life's uncanny ability to change at the drop of a hat.

I’m over the friends with benefits thing. I just desire some real intimate human companionship (something that I have not had for over 2 years).

I know how to make myself happy. I know I can be alone and be just fine. Now, I would like to find someone who feels the same way. Yet, I’m attracted, for the most part, to douches. With that being said…

There still are many awesome people out there... even a few that would be great to be with. I think I may have met one or two.

I guess my question is… how do you know if you’re really ready for a serious relationship or just sick of being alone?

Hopefully things will be settling down soon. Sorry if I have been an asshole lately. I was stuck in survival mode the last few weeks trying to keep up on things and, at times, not doing a very good job. Moving mid-semester with all the school/internship things going on in the process has left me a little freaked out.  

Here is a life update:

I am now living with Kim and Danielle at Eagle Creek.

My cat had a traumatic first experience with the dogs. They rushed me at the door when they saw Xerxes and cornered him under my bed. I had to pull them off of him. Now he won’t leave my bed unless it is to hide in my closet. Mind you, this is while my bedroom door is shut. I hope living here works out for us.

Meshuggah, Cynic and The Faceless were awesome.   The House of Blues has proven to me once again its amazingness as a venue. Being on the floor during Meshugga was phenomenal. The crowd down there was just the right density for some ass kicking. I’m very glad that I got to share the trip with a few of my good friends. It’s too bad we didn’t pick up the hot bartender lady (haha).

Speaking of oddities, if you were confused by my facebook status… I AM NOT REALLY MARRIED!!! It is an inside joke that Nakul and I are married b/c we hang out all the time, take care of each other and don’t have sex. I am, as always, single.

Oh back to the new residency thing… my bedroom is bad ass!!!  The weird color of muted green really worked well with all the furniture and posters that I already owned. As for the rest of the house, it is a work in progress, but it is coming along nicely. If you live in the Indianapolis area (or would like to make a road trip) you should come over and see it!

I think that is it.

I was recently on the brink of insanity so, I turned to my nerd-tastic addiction to quell the increasing boredom... I took an on-line dating personality test. Don’t bother telling me how unscientific these things are. I am well aware. Anyway, I am not concerned with that at this moment. This particular quiz struck a cord with me.

Ah!!! The cyclic curse continues. It’s not that I dislike admiring artistic types, but as the quiz states “if you seek logical decision making skills and good money management you might want to change something in the way you appear.” 

I have no desire to change my image. In my opinion, my life accomplishments reflect that I am doing well with my current appearance.

Here is my issue with the type of people I attract…

I did not go to school 4 years (a projected 6) to have a partner who quits his/her job without one lined but because he/she “did not like it anymore” or “they just pissed me off”. Yet, on the flip side I would rather shoot myself in the face than go to school for 6 years and complete 3 internships to be a cooking, cleaning, baby maker for some boring yuppie who, I will enviably abandon along with our family due to sheer boredom.

This over Christmas and aunt asked me when I was going to be having kids (like most people in my family my age). To this I responded, ‘I cannot even imagine being with someone who does not make me want to punch them in the face after a few months, let a lone, have a kid with someone.” I have no desire to even fathom that level of commitment to something that is not a personal goal. That is probably why I have not had a relationship last more than six months since college.

In response to my relationship duration issue, my dad sarcastically said, “I’m not sure if that is their problem or yours.” To that I replied, “Both, I am sure.” I refuse to stay in a relationship where I am unhappy. It is beyond my patience to stay if either my partner or I are unwilling/unable to change the aggravating situation. For this reason, I feel I will be doomed to short-lived relationships.

Another example of things I hear about my relationship situation, one of my co-workers at the law office said “Guys must find it intimidating that you do not need them because you can take care of yourself.” So, how do I respond to that? Wow, I don’t even remember what I said. Here is my current response, I do not plan on dating (or continue to date*coughs most recent ex’s name *), someone who sees me as their duty.

I do not expect to find nor desire perfection. Only a person with similar goals as mine, whose faults I find tolerable.   

I desire balance, accommodation and open communication.

I am supportive. I am not a motivator.

I am reliable. I am not an anchor.

I am whole. I am not someone’s other half.

Ok. That was a nice little rant wasn’t it? Anyway, these are the questions I pose to myself when I am conflicted about weather to date someone more “safe and reliable” or someone more “adventurous and capricious”

Why must conventionality go hand in hand with professionalism?

Why must adventure go hand in hand with irresponsibility?

 Why must repetition be paired with perfection?

Why must intellectualism be paired with aloofness?

Why for so many does the mundane in life grow into contentment?

Why can we not seek physical stimulation comparable to that experienced by the mind?

Me now

I had my mp3 player on ramdom in my car on the way to school the other day and this song by Ani Difranco came on. With the onslaught of life, work, school, and relationships I was moved to tears by this song. She does a much better job decribing my current attitudes than I have the time or energy to. 

Talk to me now

He said ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when I'm approached in a dark alley
I don't lift my skirt
in this city
self-preservation
is a full time occupation
I'm determined
to survive on these shores
I don't avert my eyes anymore
in a man's world
I am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around I have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
I played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and I was blessed with a birth and a death
and I guess I just want some say in between
don't you understand
in the day to day
or the face to face
I have to act
just as strong as I can
just to preserve a place
where I can be who I am
so if you still know how
talk to me now